Dear Sister,
Fifty years – what a milestone! You’ve come so far, despite the incredible hurdles your terrible parents, especially your dreadful mother, put in your way. It’s well-known that all of life’s problems can be blamed on parents – but with you, it’s truly remarkable. No one has endured a childhood as unimaginably difficult as yours. Even the actual physical torture our parents endured pales in comparison to the suffering you’ve experienced. Truly, your hardships are in a league of their own.
Deprived and Held Back
As I recently learned, you weren’t allowed to accept gifts as a child and were constantly held back from learning so much that you never managed to accomplish anything academically. That must have been incredibly tough. But credit where credit is due: Mama was really clever. To keep you from learning, she first sent you to a very expensive private boarding school, a good hour’s drive from home. And then – the pièce de résistance – she somehow convinced you to skip classes so often that you barely attended any. Absolutely brilliant strategy!
Later, during college, she even managed to lead you astray into shoplifting, which eventually got you expelled. Truly a masterful parenting plan – a shining example of her commitment to your failure.
And the thing about gifts? Truly shocking. Aside from the cars, trips, valuables, Christmas presents, birthday gifts, and all the money you’ve received over the years, you never had the chance to accept anything. It makes perfect sense that you’d complain about this to older gentlemen – who knows, maybe some inheritance might fall your way, and you’ll finally be “properly gifted.”
The Secret Disinheritance
The latest chapter in your drama? Your disinheritance! Unbelievable. Naturally, it must have happened in secret, since there’s no documentation of it anywhere. But as we know, Mama probably managed to get lawmakers to quietly legalize disinheritance in Germany – just to make your life harder.
Perfect and Resilient
You’ve faced so many obstacles, yet somehow you’ve made it. I never truly realized the scale of your suffering. You’re an inspiration – someone who, of course, would never steal food from those in need. Someone who would absolutely never do drugs with their own children. Someone who would never shoplift in stores around the world – and definitely wouldn’t have been criminally prosecuted multiple times. And naturally, someone who would never manipulate elderly people for financial gain. Rational, composed, resilient – that’s you!
The Totally Objective Supporters
And then there are your supporters. These are the people who, completely rationally and sensibly, listen only to your stories, form a perfectly objective opinion, and then generously shower you with financial and other support. What a testament to their excellent judgment! Of course, they never bother to hear the other side, because who needs balance when you can just trust one perspective? Their faith in you is truly inspiring – and totally deserved.
The Art of Being the Victim
You’ve shown everyone how cool – and profitable – it is to be the victim. But you don’t stop there. You’ve also shown just how rewarding it can be to demonize your own well-into-their-80s parents who gave up so much to provide you with a privileged life. Truly, a masterpiece. You’re setting the gold standard for what it means to be a daughter – an example one can only hope your children will follow to a t. And let’s not forget how completely normal it is for a 50-year-old woman to complain to others about her parents. Simply remarkable!
Here’s to your new year, dear sister. Celebrate yourself – you’ve earned it!
Your little brother Max